Those Raw Feelings Keep Coming Back

Despite my life being so full right now those raw feelings keep coming back. I have a babyloss momma friend who I talk to from time to time. We were talking the other day about how surreal this experience is. There are days I will be driving down the road and think to myself, I lost a baby. I carried a baby boy for 25 weeks and had to deliver him dead. All I have left of him are a few pictures and his ashes in an urn on my dresser. Sorry for being so blunt but its the truth. I swear thats the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that by saying this, that God doesn't test me on this one. I have two children but only one of them is here on earth with me. I remember when my dad died my grandma telling me that as a mother one of the hardest things you never expect to do is bury your child. I remember how devastating that was for her. Little did I know that a couple of decades later I would be doing the same thing.

I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.

I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.

There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.

Its Been A While

I haven't blogged in quite some time. My life has been really busy lately. I just thought my life was busy before Jadie Kate. LOL! I can't even begin to tell you how full and complete I feel these days. The day I became Josh's wife was one of the greatest blessings in my life but becoming Jadie Kate's mom has got to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm a dork and being as how its 4:00am and my head is stopped up I'm probably not explaining myself correctly.

Sometimes I look at Jadie Kate and just cry. She is amazing. I thank God everyday for our little miracle. I pray that I will be the best mother I can be to her. I want Jadie Kate to know just how important she is to us.

I thought once she was born all those fears I had while I was pregnant would disappear. That's not the case. When I was pregnant with JD I had visions of what he would look like. I would get excited thinking about him hunting with Josh or playing t-ball. When he died, all those dreams went down the toilet. When I was pregnant with JK, I just lived for the day. I would celebrate each pregnancy week but I didn't have visions of what was to come. Sadly, I'm still having a hard time with this. I don't let myself see Jadie Kate as a toddler or dancing in a recital. I guess I'm scared that if I look too far into the future, my dreams will be taken from me again. I guess its not a bad thing to just relish in the now and appreciate this moment in time.

I went back to work on the 4th of January. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Jadie Kate stays with my sister, Molly. I drop her off around 7:45am and I try to pick her up by 4:00pm. I am so thankful for my sister. I know that JK is well taken care of. I miss being home with her all day and I find there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm learning to depend on Josh more and trying not to sweat the small stuff like the tub needing to be cleaned out or the kitchen needing to be swept. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and remember what's important...

Going Through the Motions & Feeling the Emotions

Not sure what the point is to this entry but Jadie Kate is sleeping and I have time to kill so I thought I'd post... I remember after JD died this deep sense of loneliness I felt. I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I was walking around with a piece of me missing. I remember walking aimlessly around the mall and various shops just to kill time but feeling bitter and empty. (its my therapy, some people eat, I shop)

Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)

This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.

That Brown Rocking Chair

We jad JD's nursery almost complete by the first of October. All except a rocking chair... He wasnt due until January 19th so we figued we'd wait until Christmas & get one on sale. Then we found out on October 8th that JD was gone. I beat myself up for not getting a rocking chair sooner. It hurts me to know I never got to rock him. Shortly after JD died, I found the perfect rocking chair at Target. I didn't really have a need or the money for it but I bought it anyway & put it in the nursery. I spent many nights sitting in that chair praying & pleading with God to make me a mommy to a live baby. He fulfilled my dream. I make it a point to rock Jadie Kate in that rocking chair everyday. When I rock her I tell her about her big brother in heaven.

She's Here!

I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.

We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.

She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.

I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!

5 Days to Go

I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.

I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.

People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.

Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.

Waitin' on Jadie Kate

Man, I swear I can't believe we've made it this far, but on the other hand, I can't believe we still have 15 days and a few hours to go before her arrival. My OB assures me that if my blood pressure doesn't go down she will take her at 38 weeks, so that would mean we have 8 days and a few hours to go. Its surreal...I am praying so hard that she will be born alive & healthy.

A Year and One Day Ago

We had maternity pictures taken this past Sunday. I wanted JD to be included in some way. The photographer was sweet enough to create this collage and tried to incorporate butterflies in alot of the pictures.

A year and one day ago, I truly believed my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
A year and one day ago, I hated myself and the world around me. A year and one day ago, my sweet baby boy had been taken from me... or so I thought. While he's not physically here for me to hold or rock to sleep, I see him & feel his presence everyday.

I will never be the same Janie I was a year ago. Come to think of it, I don't know that I ever want to be that Janie again. Thank you JD for coming into our lives and making us who we are.

Happy Birthday in Heaven!

25 Days, 2 hours & 18 minutes

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that we have made it this far with sweet Jadie Kate. Lord, please help us make it to October 27th without me being admitted to the psych ward for losing my mind. Please let us bring home a live, screaming baby this time. Amen.

Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.

This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.

I can't go back only forward.

I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.